When I awoke, my bedding was damp.
An old childhood fear possessed me, that I had soiled it as does a baby. I fought back tears of shame, for surely I had outgrown such things. When I lifted the coverlet, the bedding smelled of iron and mud, like a field after too much rain. The morning light revealed a smear of dark brown.
I covered my mouth with my hand.
There is earth in my bed!
But how?
Immediately my eyes traveled to the door, but it remained latched from the inside. I went to the window to see what could be seen.
In the courtyard, servants washed linens in big wooden tubs full of water and lye.
Armed men from the garrison kept their posts by the two towers flanking our gate.
Two more, unseen, did the same on the other side. From the periphery came the sound of a door slamming shut. Another servant made her way toward the kitchen, her fat fist wrapped around the neck of a chicken tight like a noose.
Today appeared no different from the last.
But for the earth!
I became afraid, as though I could not breathe.
I thought of God for comfort, but remembered only Adam.
"By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken."
What if the ground had come for me?
At this I wept until I grew tired from weeping.
I could not leave my room. The problem of filth remained in my bed. I saw in in my mind's eye my mother. How she lovingly tended to the coverlets, folded them and put them away in the cedar chest come May. How she sat by the fire in the great hall mending their delicate embroidery.
I became more afraid of my mother than of God and banished my thoughts of damnation.
With new resolve, I gathered the bedding in my arms, brought it over to the basin. I pushed it into the water from last night's washing.
There the red color so prized by my mother turned scarlet with wet. But without lye, the stain only grew darker and spread deeper into the warp and weft of the fabric. Just then, I felt something trickle down my leg, which startled me, for I had been so careful not to cause a spill.
I lifted my sleeping gown. What seemed like treacly soil left streaks on my thighs and the linen alike.
The earth was coming from within me!
What nightmare was this?
A howl left my belly, and my hands pressed the tears back into my eyes.
Quickly came the sound of thudding feet. I knew these steps like no other. They belonged to my attendant, Auda, who must have been near and heard me cry.
She will see the bedding and tell mother. I silenced myself.
Auda knocked weakly on the door, calling out, Lady Herrad?
Like a woodpecker, her knocking! My, I thought, if one does not answer, one does not want to be bothered!
Please unlatch the door, my lady.
Auda spoke then in a begging voice I hated more than anything, a voice for little children.
Please, I heard crying. Open the door. You worry me so.
What presumptuousness!
Then you heard wrong, I shouted.
She sighed. Alright, my lady. Know that I shall wait here for you.
To be put under seige, I thought with malice. Fine!
For some time I tried to outlast her, listening as the floor creaked whenever she shifted her weight.
But then my fear returned and I thought, perhaps an older woman like Auda knew what had happened to me.
Perhaps I could bribe her not to tell mother about the coverlet.
I hoisted the latch from its holster. The door opened on its own.
It was only then that I noticed the stain had spread through all my clothes.
At the sight of me, Auda's face turned white.
She reached out, took my hands in hers. Her features were still pretty, despite the gray hair pleated down her back in a spinster's braid.
We must find your mother at once, she said quietly.
No, Auda, I whined, we mustn't. Please. She will have me hanged for the coverlet.
Auda wiped away my tears with her wrists, saying, I assure you, she won't.
Such lies made me cross. Is my mother a stranger to you? I shouted, Whyever would she not?
And Auda answered: For her daughter is a woman now!
She took the bedding and my clothes to the washerwomen in the courtyard, then emptied the basin and came back to my room with pot of steaming water and a wad of linen, only half of which she used, which I found curious. The water was very hot, and when she touched me with the cloth, I yelped and pulled away in pain. But Auda kept me standing there with a firmness she had never used before. Wherever she dragged her cloth, my skin broke out into blotches.
Is my mother coming? She will be very displeased with how rough you are being when I tell her.
Yes, said Auda.
Steam hissed as she poured the rest of the hot water into the basin and got back to scrubbing.
I was pink as a piglet when she finished!
Before she dressed me, she took some of the linen from the bed and secured it between my legs.
Put the chemise on, she said. And I did. Then she fastened the cloths to the chemise with pins. I felt like a swaddled child, but Auda could not be persuaded, nor could she be persuaded in the choice of my red shift, which I did not consider summer attire, nor that of my plainest surcoat, whose brown almost insulted the red. But she buttoned up my sleeves tight against my arms, not caring one bit about my protestations. Girdle, garters, hose, shoes. The linen was stiff and chafed me when I moved.
How am I to pee? I asked. To which Auda said: Pull it aside. Then she left me to wait for my mother.